I’m Amy and I decided at the age of 40 to start a blog about Death.
It has taken countless hours, years, and therapists to unravel my story. It was craftily hiding out in the corners of my everyday life. Tucked away under forgotten feelings and memories. Whispering in my ear with an unintelligible voice when making bad decisions and many good ones. Patiently waiting just outside my peripheral vision for me to finally look over my shoulder to see what’s always been there, even if I didn’t (want to) acknowledge it.
Until I did…
Death is one of my oldest friends.
When those words came tumbling out of my mouth, it was too late the shove them back in. The gig was up. The cat was out of his bag. I could not unsee what I had just seen. I finally saw that thing, that feeling I couldn’t put my finger on for all these years. Death had become a presence in my life for so long that it felt “normal.” It didn’t feel scary or evil but more like the comfortable presence of a frenemy that’s never left my side.
Yup, my pal Death has been with me through it all. The bad, the good, the highs the lows, and the inconceivable transcendental. Now, of course, if I could, I’d trade my old friend Death in for someone different. But it doesn’t work that way.
And now, I’m ok with that…I think.
I realize that the price for his friendship has been a depth of pain that not many cannot yet understand. But, it also gave me me something I don’t think I could now live without: an appreciation and gratitude on a spectrum that most people don’t even know exists. It has given me the gifts of unbreakable resiliency, the ability to laugh and heal through the pain, the ability to articulate the advantages of not living a “normal” life, and the gift of being alive to share it with others so they can know they’re not strange for feeling or thinking the way that they do.
I’ve accepted these gifts from my ever-present and eternal BFF, Death.
They are my life’s consolation prize.
And now it’s time I shared them with you.